attention deficit hustle dystopia

let’s give it up for speed

i like the videos of ‘innuendo studios’ on youtube. ran by ian danskin, its one of those video essayist channels. he talks abt games, social politics & art. usually his takes r insightful and a cut above the rest, even if i dont have the mind to look much at the politics bit anymore. when he recently launched the podcast “point b” i was curious abt it, because it seemed to talk about something that i feel like i have been struggling with a lot. the episode that prompted this blog is called “Attention Deficit Hustle Dystopia”, which, read the acronym.

adhd

ian starts the podcast by asking magdalen questions about growing up in relation to their undiagnosed conditions. magdalen responds by describing her difficulities with focus at school & jobs, and ian adds in his perspective. it leads to a point, that when you start understanding it, it becomes easier to manage. by finding coping mechanisms to your brain’s quirks you can work around it. and there’s also the question of drug-related treatments to which half-jokingly ian says to “give the kids speed”.

the common understanding of adhd is that your brain can’t regulate itself properly. these inbalances cause you to forget important things, being unable to concentrate. you know what adhd is. if you’re reading this, you probably think you have it too.

there is a crux abt the psych’s definition of mental health. meeting the qualifiers for the adhd disease means that you are not fitting into society. maybe you have problems getting organized in the time after waking up and getting to work. or they can’t stay focused at the office enough to get the thing done and make your superiors happy. it all intrisically links your worth to how you can bring profits. i don’t like thinking about this.

recently i have thinking a lot abt pursuing treatment for adhd again. after a fruitless attempt which ended with a script antidepressants and a very, very difficult couple of months. i felt demotivated to try again. things are changing now, i am leaving neethood behind. i got a job, which i am starting soon, & i start thinking abt how to cope w those situations where it really needs to work but it doesn’t. how much i know stims can help me pull through in those situations. from limited recreational use it is my lofty aspiration that it will help me do my job, too.

it’s scary to me when people say that it fried their brains as kids. i hope i can be a bit more responsible than that. or at least not end up in a similar dark place that antidepressants made me capable of. i just hope i am not buying into something that will be bad for me.

pathologize yourself

a common way of characterizing adhd is with the brain as an other persona, “my brain stops me from doing the dishes.” you can find this comparison frequently in point b; ian and magdalen refer to the ways their brains get in the way of living fulfilling lives. it’s not an incorrect way to look at things, but its only really one perspective. and a lot of people parrot this. i believe that this perspective is greatly informed by the psychology field, anyone seeking help will be met with similar language. the dsm-5 is the standard model for how psychs should diagnose and treat a mental disorder. when we are not acting in line w how we are expected to in society it’s an issue, and of course it comes w suggested solutions based on data and replicability. its all in the books. the boys did a science.

its clear what influence the psychology lens has had on the greater reaches of online ppl. when i grew up people were scared to divulge any sort of details about their real selves on the merit of getting snatched up by a psychopath, and today it’s like open season with as many details as possible, including what you like and don’t like to see. along with making yourself more public, a lot of ppl are defining themselves with increasingly medical language. for youth today, there is a far greater emphasis on learning that the thing that is wrong with you is an illness & that it is treatable, with the promise that you will become better. perhaps with theraphy or drugs or otherwise. what mental illnesses are on your carrd, anon? a lot more people are getting diagnosed with mental disorders in the recent 20 or so years. so what changed? are ppl more aware of adhd now? are ppl simply experiencing more problems fitting in today? the lines are blurry to me, and i can’t make sense of it.

don’t get me wrong; i dont think that is a mistake or anything. a lot of ppl are hurting for their inability to function, and when ppl say “it hurts” they are not lying. but i think as human beings we also have a tendency to not be honest to ourselves of the why, or have the tools to be able to recognize such. even if nothing is actively hurting you, we walk around hurting for a long, long time. some of us get addicted to the pain and define ourselves by it. it can be very rewarding to suffer. if you end up in the minus world, there is one piece of advice i can give to you: stop, and go on a long walk without your phone. nobody is going to tell you to break out of it, and i know you won’t listen. it’s just something you realize one day. that deep feeling that you’ve wasted your time. thankfully we live forever, for better or worse.

individual effort will only get you so far in this system, and i definitely have the tendency to think a lot and still not get anywhere. the reality is that you have to work to sustain yourself, unless you’re one of lucky ones who can mooch of someone else. so maybe a little amphetamines is on the table.

let’s give it up for speed, ian.